As I laid in bed with my four young children I received an alert. The alert came from the Vine Network. This network is an amazing resource for survivors of rape or abuse. The victim receives notifications whenever their former abuser is arrested or incarcerated. I highly recommend you check them out some time soon. There is an unexplainable bit of relief that comes from that system. Knowing when my abuser turned rapist was in prison gave me the ability to feel safer. A happier me knowing he was at least getting some sort of consequences for a few of his crimes.
Many of you know my story but I will quickly summarize for those that don’t. When I was 18 years old I was swept away by a man 5 years older than myself and was blinded by what I thought was young love, the dreams of a fairy tale ending, the hope for a happier life than the one I had already lived. It’s no secret how I grew up. This is where I thought for sure my life would change, and change it did, but not for the better.
I married this man and followed behind him to Germany, I was living very far from other Americans. I didn’t have a phone, any internet, nor TV except for a few VHS movies and an old school tube television in the beginning. I had some novels as well. Reading was a great love of mine growing up as it became a form of escapism. When I would hear my mother and whomever she was with at the time screaming and throwing things around the house I dove into a book. I often tried to distract my younger siblings as well because I felt protective of them when they were little. However, I ultimately broke free of that world and submerged into a totally new place. I left my then teen siblings behind for my own sanity. I thought I was free from chaos.
In November 2007, the man I was with left his phone behind on his way to work. The phone continually rang or sounded an alert throughout the day. I checked thinking perhaps he was calling from work. What I found was far from anything I would’ve guessed. He was having affairs with 7 German women, 2 thought they were going to marry him. He spoke to these women as though I was a horrible wife whom he was trying to divorce. We had only been together a very short time and very recently got married. I was furious. I hadn’t even had the time to be a “bad wife”. When he got home I yelled at him with tear filled eyes. I didn’t understand the why. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. I felt so naive, so stupid, so gullible to actually think a happy marriage could exist. I told him I was done. That day was the first time he hurt me physically and emotionally but it was far from the last.
The German police were called and I was taken away in an ambulance to the hospital. There was so much blood. I remember vividly getting back from the hospital and the mess was still there. I wanted to go home to the United States but my demand was declined multiple times and said I had to go to marriage counseling first. I was blamed for the occurrence because I was told I shouldn’t have yelled at him. That I should’ve been understanding because I didn’t get how stressful his job was. They kept us separate but wouldn’t send me home. I was stuck and mentally broken more than ever.
In February 2008, on or around Valentine’s Day, he convinced his superiors we had made up and he wanted to surprise me for the holiday. These superiors never contacted me to verify this and they never checked on me as I was nearly an hour drive from everyone else. They simply took his word for it. That was what I believed back then to be the worst time of my life. He abused and raped me. He enjoyed having that control and power. I recall looking at him and seeing him smile as he made me suffer. He had no remorse, no emotion other than that evil smile, the grin saying he won. I won’t go into much more detail because I don’t want to distract too much from my focus but that is the back story. I conceived my first child through rape and I had just recently turned 19 when it happened. I didn’t see what I see now; I had followed the cycle of abuse.
The man who did this to me never was never prosecuted formally. He had a slap on the wrist but ultimately I was told that I couldn’t be raped because we were legally married. I remember feeling like the world was against me and that not a single person cared if I lived or died. I know now how wrong I was but in that moment, it was how I felt.
I was done with the world, but then came my sweet baby girl. She changed my life and my heart for the better. She was the great change and love I needed. However, I still had mountains to climb. This princess deserved all I could do for her and I would NOT allow myself to fail for her sake. I didn’t want to be anything like how I was raised.
The cycle of abuse is pretty self explanatory. Those who grow up abused often meet someone abusive and stay in those types of relationships. They stay where they feel comfortable. Why? Because the unknown is terrifying. People become very restless and anxious when things aren’t going as they expected and this is true of victims as well. They are used to the harm and to them that is normal. They can expect it. It doesn’t mean they enjoy or want to be hurt but when they’re around positive and functional families or people they can’t handle it. The change makes them that stressed and often these people don’t even understand what they’re feeling. The cycle continues without people knowing how or why. The subconscious is amazingly powerful. I also was this way at one time. I didn’t realize I had surrounded myself with the same kinds of people was raised with.
I am going back to the Vine Network. I was pregnant when I received a notification that the man who tormented me for years was arrested. When I saw what his pending charges were, again I felt my heart sinking. He hurt another woman and her three children. I wept for days as I processed this news. I even spent weeks blaming myself. I thought, “if only I fought harder to get him charged!” I did eventually see that it was his fault and I was not liable for his poor choices, but that took a lot of time. I prayed for that woman and I gave my testimony to help him stay incarcerated. His charges were reduced and he only served a short time in jail but he at least had some consequences. I wished as hard as I could that this would change him. I hoped and prayed that he would be a better man for that time served and that he hopefully would never harm a woman again. I chose to forgive him long ago but I still believed he needed to have some sort of punishment to help him grow as a human being. Sadly, that wasn’t the case as with most of these types of criminals. The cycle of violence continues.
I have since learned that the woman and three children he hurt a few years ago has taken him back and they’re all living together in a new state now. I pray nightly for those children’s safety. I pray God will protect them from him and that these children will be spared any further violence. Why? Because when parents refuse to break away from the cycle, we leave it to our children to battle for happiness alone. This woman took him back, a man who inflicted violence upon her and her three kids, because it was easier to live with the evil you know.
Narcissistic manipulative people target those who’ve been broke and beaten down inside. And like a moth to a flame victims often find themselves around abusive people. Do they like abuse? No! Is it their fault they have been hurt? Absolutely not! However, when you know nothing else, when you are already scared and made to feel small, it feels safer to stick with what you know. In addition, many aren’t aware of the resources available to help them break free, like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. Often times, those who love the victims get frustrated or annoyed when the victim keeps going back to their abuser. They don’t understand the cycle. Here are some reasons listed by Love is Respect:
“Conflicting Emotions
- Fear: Your friend may be afraid of what will happen if they decide to leave the relationship. If your friend has been threatened by their partner, family or friends, they may not feel safe leaving.
- Believing Abuse is Normal: If your friend doesn’t know what a healthy relationship looks like, perhaps from growing up in an environment where abuse was common, they may not recognize that their relationship is unhealthy.
- Fear of Being Outed: If your friend is LGBTQ+ and has not yet come out to everyone, their partner may threaten to reveal this secret. Being outed may feel especially scary for young people who are just beginning to explore their sexuality.
- Embarrassment: It’s probably hard for your friend to admit that they’ve been abused. They may feel they’ve done something wrong by becoming involved with an abusive partner. They may also worry that their friends and family will judge them.
- Low Self-esteem: If your friend’s partner constantly puts them down and blames them for the abuse, it can be easy for your friend to believe those statements and think that the abuse is their fault.
- Love: Your friend may stay in an abusive relationship hoping that their abuser will change. Think about it — if a person you love tells you they’ll change, you want to believe them. Your friend may only want the violence to stop, not for the relationship to end entirely.
Pressure
- Social/Peer Pressure: If the abuser is popular, it can be hard for a person to tell their friends for fear that no one will believe them or that everyone will take the abuser’s side.
- Cultural/Religious Reasons: Traditional gender roles can make it difficult for young women to admit to being sexually active and for young men to admit to being abused. Also, your friend’s culture or religion may influence them to stay rather than end the relationship for fear of bringing shame upon their family.
- Pregnancy/Parenting: Your friend may feel pressure to raise their children with both parents together, even if that means staying in an abusive relationship. Also, the abusive partner may threaten to take or harm the children if your friend leaves.
Distrust of Adults or Authority
- “It’s Just Puppy Love” Adults often don’t believe that teens really experience love. So, if something goes wrong in the relationship, your friend may feel like they have no adults to turn to or that no one will take them seriously.
- Distrust of Police: Many teens and young adults do not feel that the police can or will help them, so they don’t report the abuse.
- Language Barriers/Immigration Status: If your friend is undocumented, they may fear that reporting the abuse will affect their immigration status. Also, if their first language isn’t English, it can be difficult to express the depth of their situation to others.
Reliance on the Abusive Partner
- Lack of Money: Your friend may have become financially dependent on their abusive partner. Without money, it can seem impossible for them to leave the relationship.
- Nowhere to Go: Even if they could leave, your friend may think that they have nowhere to go or no one to turn to once they’ve ended the relationship. This feeling of helplessness can be especially strong if the person lives with their abusive partner.
- Disability: If your friend is physically dependent on their abusive partner, they can feel that their well-being is connected to the relationship. This dependency could heavily influence his or her decision to stay in an abusive relationship.”
In simpler terms; victims are controlled by fear and what feels safe is often what you know. Even women who loath their abuser, who wish them dead, will often stay or go back to the abuser. If they have children, those children are growing up believing this is normal behavior or that this is how all families function. It is what I believed. I thought couples screamed at each other, name called, threw dishes or other objects at their partner, threatened them, threatened people you care for, and physical/ mental violence was just how people lived. Psychology Today says this about children who grew up in abusive environments:
When children witness or experience abuse, it can have a detrimental effect on their well being as an adult. Their experiences have been linked to the development of depression, anxiety, substance abuse, as well as eating disorders later in life. Early exposure can also place individuals at a higher risk of experiencing abusive relationships in the future.”
Joanna Iwona Potkanska, a Toronto-based social worker and trauma-informed psychotherapist says, “We tend to remain in patterns that are familiar to us. We often do not realize that the relationships we are in are abusive, especially if we grew up in dysfunctional families.”
Domestic violence is awful. It is tragic. This whole blog started when I considered the men and women my own children will marry one day. I was grateful as I knew that I broke the cycle of violence for my family. I felt relief that my children will more likely go for someone that supports and uplifts them. Someone who respects them and wants their happiness. I think of how sad an different life would be had I aborted my first pregnancy out of fear of being tied to my abuser for life. When women are raped, abused, and tormented by their partner, they don’t stay because they like it. They’re afraid. Abortion in these cases is also done out of fear. Even looking at USA Today’s article on abortion bans we can see the world believes women are helped by abortion in these situations.
Abortion does not fix anyone’s problems. An innocent child is not the problem. The problem is our laws and the way we treat victims of violence. In fact, abortion is consistently associated with elevated rates of mental illness compared to women without a history of abortion. Imagine being someone who likely is already suffering from abuse related PTSD, anxiety, depression, feelings of worthlessness and fear, no has an abortion out of fear of being trapped with the person hurting them. When in reality, abortion will only amplify the problems. Women who ended their first pregnancy by abortion are five times more likely to report subsequent substance abuse than women who carried the pregnancy to term and four times more likely to report substance abuse compared to those whose first pregnancy ended naturally. (David Reardon, American Journal of Drug and Alcohol Abuse, 2000).
So, what can we do about this? How can we help victims of abuse and rape? It definitely isn’t by convincing her that her innocent child needs to die. Instead, I encourage you to support us at Save The 1 make the Rape Survivor Child Custody Act go National. Every state needs this law clearly saying that a rapist can not gain rights to a child conceived through their barbaric assault. When I was going through this, I admit I had a very difficult time not only terminating rights, but even having anyone acknowledge marital rape existed. Many people imagine the dark alley scenario where a stranger has snuck up on the victim with a weapon. However, the majority of rapes do not happen like this. More often than not, it’s someone you know, likely trust, and someone who believes they can keep you silent.
The cycle of abuse is just that; a cycle. In order to help women we have many hurdles to overcome.
1. We must stop encouraging or supporting abortion in cases of domestic violence and rape. We will only further harm the mother and children this way. Compromising her physical and mental health will only encourage the cycle of abuse to continue.
2. We need support everywhere! We have to help them see that going back to their abuser will endanger them and their children if they have them. Abusers can use children against their mothers and if we don’t get resources to help them, we only further help abortionists manipulate them into believing it is the only “choice”.
3. We need to demand the Rape Survivor Child Custody Act be in every state! We need to also make sure we have lawyers and advocates available for these brave women trying their hardest to end the violence. Abortion is a violent act and we all know violence doesn’t end violence.
4. We all must take the time to learn and recognize the signs of abuse; sexual, mental, and physical. When identified we need to help. True empowerment doesn’t come from saying; “you can’t”, but rather, “you can and I will help you!”
5. We must acknowledge the cycle of abuse as valid and real. This helps us better end the cycle. In foster care training, we were taught many of the same families are being helped generation after generation. It is so hard to break the chain. In order to fight back we need to see the truth, that when you are raised in that environment, you yourself are highly likely to stay with what you know.
6. Support your local domestic violence shelters. Many often donate to food banks, homeless shelters, animal shelters, but often domestic violence shelters are forgotten. These shelters also help rescue human trafficking victims.
(You can make a donation to my favorite one HERE)
I shared my life with the world to help empower women and to help spare their children from a gruesome death. I believe truly that abortion is destroying society. It is an attack on families, it is a business of greed, and the abortion industry has spent millions convincing the world it is a basic human right. Do not fall for their lies. Abuse does not justify abortion. Rape isn’t cured by killing a child. Abortion fixes NOTHING! We need to change the laws and change society. Abortion is not health care. It is not a reproductive right. It will not help women or society. We will continue to corrupt our world when we target the most innocent lives on the planet.
My traumas would not have been fixed if I had aborted any of my children, including the one conceived in rape. Children are healing and bring great joy to those around them. Domestic violence victims will not get justice by feeling they have to kill their baby. Liberation of the abused comes from serving the abused, loving them, and helping them AND their child. End the cycle.
(Heather Hobbs is a wife mother of 4 amazing children, a rape/domestic violence survivor, an advocate for women and children, and is passionate about ending abortion worldwide.)